Buck & Doe
by citrinestone1000
Summary: Lily’s ghost comes to help Severus find a memory to produce a patronus. Written for the SS/LE exchange less for you on LJ.


Buck & Doe

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters J.K. Rowlings does and this is just for fun.

"The Potters were killed this evening, by Tom himself," said Dumbledore as he paced back and forth.

"No. Not Lily!" Severus fell back into the chair. "This wasn't supposed to happen!"

Severus didn't hold back on crying. Dumbledore gave the man a few minutes to himself before he started telling him about his plans.

By the time Severus walked out of Dumbledore's office he knew he had agreed to something, but wasn't sure what it was, only that Harry's name was mentioned over and over.

But it didn't matter. Lily was gone. Forever.

The students were all settled in for the night, and Severus took a walk around the castle, thinking about how he had failed Lily.

Walking through the castle brought back too many memories of Lily.

As he walked through the halls, he remembered how they would walk to classes together.

When he passed the library, he remembered how they would talk out loud just to annoy Madam Pince.

Then he walked the staircases, and remembered how Lily would float when no one else was around, so she wouldn't have to jump when she came to a vanishing step.

A memory of he and Lily studying by the lake came to him, and he decided to go there, not knowing if it would give him some comfort or increase his pain. What did it matter? He deserved this emptiness he felt.

"It's cold out there," Filch said as Severus walked toward the doors that lead outside.

Severus waved him off.

"I tell you. No one listens to me." Severus heard Filch tell Mrs. Norris.

The moon was almost full and the stars were not covered by any clouds. The only sounds were the light breeze going through the trees and footsteps. Not only his, but someone else's. Severus stopped and stood still, not making a move in any direction, and listened.

They were familiar. He had learned how to recognize people by their footsteps. Dumbledore's steps were long and slow. Lucius' steps were small and would click when he came to a stop. James and company sounded like a pack of dogs, with a runt trailing behind them.

And Lily's were soft and silent; it was as if she was barely touching the ground. It was her footsteps Severus heard.

"Lily?" He asked. He had felt her. Surely he was mad, but what did it matter? This was a madness he deserved. Severus started to run.

"Stop. Sev. Please stop."

"No."

Severus turned to see Lily, who was wearing a yellow sundress.

"Why do you run from me? I'll catch up with you."

Severus stopped at the edge of the lake and watched the small waves of water touch the tips of his boots: one small wave after another.

The steps came closer and closer, and soon Lily was standing behind him.

"Do you hear me?" she asked.

He bowed his head into his hands and nodded.

"Speak to me."

"I killed you. You're only in my imagination. I'm going mad."

"This isn't the time for you to go crackers. I'm real."

She walked closer and gently brushed a few strands of his hair. He could feel her touch. He didn't deserve what she was giving him. He wanted to reach for her hand, but he didn't dare.

Severus could no longer feel her touch.

Was she gone?

He removed his face from his hands. No, she wasn't there.

Surely he had imagined her, and the touch he felt was probably the branch of a tree, or a student getting his revenge. It could also be an owl flying by. She couldn't be here.

He took a deep breath, looked around and saw nothing.

It was time he got back to his rooms. He would take the dreamless sleeping potion, even though he didn't deserve the rest it gave. He had to get away from this insanity.

He took a few steps back and stopped.

Severus looked toward the lake and saw the moon's reflection. He dropped to his knees and crawled to the side of the water. He touched the reflection of the moon, felt the water, and saw it ripple. He started to cry, and his tears were lost in the lake. When the small waves stopped he saw the moon again, and he saw her reflection.

"You're real."

He saw her reflection nod.

"Why?"

"I need you to help me protect Harry."

"You shouldn't be here!"

"Help protect my son."

"Please go...NOW!" He lifted one of his arms and pointed behind him. He would not turn around and he would not get up. She had to go.

She didn't move.

"Please go." Again, he was on all fours and his head dropped. "You shouldn't be in my presence."

He started to cough and vomit by the lakeshore.

When he was done, he crawled closer to the lake, and submerged his face into the cold water. After he lifted his head from the water, he crawled a short distance from the lake, laid down on his back and shut his eyes.

"I'm still here."

"Go."

"Why?"

He could not answer.

"Let me be with you while you need me."

He put his left arm over his forehead, which exposed his dark mark.

He felt her sit next to him, and she gently touched his tainted skin. "I used to fear this."

"Don't touch that." He made both his hands into fists.

"It can't hurt me." She removed his arm from his forehead and undid each finger one by one.

His eyes were still closed.

"Don't waste your time."

"I no longer know time." Her hand was now on his chest. "I can feel your heart. Your soul."

"I don't have a soul." His eyes that were filled with tears finally opened and he turned from her.

"Don't say that. Don't you dare say that!" He knew that tone in her voice; she was angry."Look at me."

He slowly turned his head. Black eyes met green eyes. He swallowed. He turned away again.

"Shouldn't you be with him?"

"It was until death do us part. And since I'm a ghost I do believe I am dead. Besides, he needs to comfort another soul. I'm here to help you."

"Help me what?"

"Didn't you hear me the first time?"

His head was still turned away from her as he looked toward the Forbidden Forest, and he could see the branches of the trees swaying.

"Stop looking at the forest and look at me." By the tone of her voice, Severus could tell she was still angry.

"You waste your time."

"I'm in eternity now. There's no such thing as time. Don't you get that?"

He sat up and still would not look at her.

"Why would you want to be with this darkness?" He pointed to his reflection in the lake.

"Because there's light." She put her hand on his shoulder, "And please, Sev. Stop being so melodramatic."

"You hope. You're dead. I'm mad."

"Sev. How long have you been living among ghosts? Surely you believe they exist."

"But they have unfinished business."

"Me, too. My son. Help me protect him."

"They fear death, so that is why they walk the earth."

"Have you been talking to Nearly-Headless Nick? He makes no sense sometimes. So, if I want to be a ghost and roam the world for a thousand years, who cares? Think of all the great places I get to see."

Lily sat down beside him. Severus felt her drawing him close to her as she placed his head on her lap. She gently moved the strands of hair that covered his face.

He finally turned to look at her. "You're not cold. Why can I feel you if you're a ghost?"

"Because it's a different sense you're using to feel me. You're using your soul to feel me."

"With my dark soul. I can't even produce a Patronus."

"Then take mine."

"With what memory?"

"The one I used. Was it so long ago when we were children? Can't you think of one happy memory from our childhood? Remember that snowy evening and the fawn we saw by the river."

Severus could feel her soft fingers on his temple and he felt some peace, which allowed him to think.

He remembered two children who should have been home hours ago. It was cold and the forecast called for snow.

"Let's follow it," said Lily.

"Maybe it's not a good idea."

She didn't listen and continued to walk ahead of him. He followed the girl who wore a red coat and a white earflap knitted hat.

"He's only a baby. He might freeze to death."

"Better him than us."

"Sev." She turned to him, giving him a look of disapproval.

"I'm serious. I'm cold and it's getting dark. My fingers are about to fall off."

"Don't you have any gloves?" Lily came to a stop, and Severus did the same. "Oh, sorry. I forgot."

Severus had lost his gloves, and had told her that he'd rather go the winter without them than tell his father.

"Here, use mine." She started taking off her pink mittens.

He gave her a look of disgust, and placed his hands in his coat pockets.

"Put those back on. I'm not wearing any stupid fluffy pink mittens."

"There not stu-" Lily went quiet and didn't move.

"Well, are you going to stand there, or are we going to look for the fawn?"

"Shh. I hear something."

He rolled his eyes and she rolled hers back at him.

"I see you kids."

From behind the trees, they saw an elderly man walking toward them.

"What are you two doing here?"

"We saw a fawn," Lily said. "And he's all alone."

"The young thing is probably looking for his mother," said the elderly man.

"But my dad said that there have been a couple of dead does around. Said there is some disease that's killing them. I think that fawn is alone." As Lily told the man this(,) her eyes were starting to tear up.

"Deary, them deer were found last week. I'm pretty sure the one you're following has a mamma."

Severus didn't say a word and looked at Lily and the old man conversing. Then he saw the man reaching into his coat pocket. Severus quickly walked to Lily's side. She didn't even notice the old man's motions.

"But maybe she died today. He needs his mum to survive." Her voice was cracking.

"No worries, deary. I saw the mother at around noon. Healthy as can be."

The man walked closer to the children, and Severus stared into the man's eyes. Severus felt the pocketknife he kept in his coat pocket and slowly opened it.

"It's best we leave the fawn alone. Don't want to get any human smell on him. The mother might reject him then."

"You're not lying then. You did see his mum?"

"Yes."

Severus wished he could read the man's mind.

"I think we better go." Severus pulled on the arm of Lily's coat.

Then the man pulled out a torch from his pocket.

"Here." The man handed the torch out to them. "I think you children are going to need this. It's already getting dark."

Severus took a deep breath and released the knife back into his pocket.

"Thank you," said Lily as she reached for it. "Can we check on the fawn tomorrow when we bring back the torch?"

"Sure. I live…"

"I know where you live. In the small cottage past those trees." Lily pointed toward the area with the torch.

"I wouldn't call it a cottage, but yes, come by tomorrow."

The next day they went looking for the doe and fawn with the old man. The cold snap seemed to have broken and the sun was shining. There were no deer tracks to be seen; if there had been any, the snow had covered them up.

"Let's look over here." Lily pointed in a direction the trio hadn't looked. "I think I see something."

Severus gave a heavy sigh. "You said that last time."

Lily scrunched her nose at him. She then turned around and walked in the direction she had pointed.

"I see her," she said.

Lily stopped. The doe was sitting down, covered with snow, which sparkled like silver in the sun.

"She isn't moving."

"Is she dead?" Severus asked.

A low sob came from Lily, and she used her mittens to wipe her tears.

"You okay?" Severus asked as he touched her.

Lily turned toward him and started to cry on his shoulder. Severus looked to the old man and gave him a dirty look, as if he were to blame for Lily's pain.

"We should have gone after her yesterday," Severus said.

"I'll hear no talk of that. It was either you two or them animals."

"The fawn. Where's is he?" Lily removed herself from Severus' embrace and looked around for the him. "Oh no!"

"Shhh," said the old man.

"Why?" Severus asked.

"Because I hear something boy, and mind your elders."

Some noise was coming from what seemed to be underneath the doe. The old man walked slowly toward the deer and pushed on her some. All of a sudden, the little deer seemed to appear.

Lily ran toward the little buck, and bent down to pet him as he was trying to find some balance after standing up.

"He lived." Severus had a look of surprise on his face.

"Yes," Lily said. "His mother kept him warm."

"Why?"

"Because she loved him."

"But who's going to protect him now?" Severus looked at the old man.

"I have an idea. There's a woman who lives outside of town. Animals seem to take to her. Goes by the name Wilhemina."

"The one that smokes a pipe?" Lily asked, still petting the young deer and not taking her eyes off him.

"Yes."

The old man started walking toward Lily.

"I think it's time we leave. Move aside so I can pick him up."

The man lifted the animal into his arms. "Yes, it looks like you are going to grow up to be a fine buck."

"Just like the buck on your family crest, Sev," Lily said looking at Severus. Severus couldn't help but put a smile on his face as she passed him.

The gentle wind took him away from his childhood memory.

"You remember," she said as her soft fingers touched his temples.

He nodded his head.

"How can you call that memory happy? You cried for days, and you couldn't stop thinking about the dead doe and the motherless fawn. You also wouldn't shut up about it."

"Because it was the first time I learned what hope was. That it was possible to have some in the midst of tragedy. That made me very happy, and gave me the belief that anything was possible. That's what I want you to remember. Hope."

"How can I? Alone. Dark nights. I see no hope. Pretending you're not gone."

"You're not imagining. Or pretending."

"You haunt me."

"Yes. Until you have peace. Your guilt keeps me here."

"Then you'll stay."

"I have time."

"I'll protect your son."

"I'll be with you."

"Severus." A voice called out from a distance.

Severus could no longer feel Lily's touch and opened his eyes, and he saw that she had stood up. He got to his feet as well.

"It's Dumbledore. He's looking for you."

"Are you going?" Severus said looking at her.

"I'll be here, but you won't always see me."

"Severus, is that you?" Dumbledore called out again.

Severus didn't move.

"Answer him."

"Yes. It's me."

Her image started fading, as Dumbledore's became clearer. He turned around to look for her.

"Don't leave me," Severus whispered.

"I'm here, Sev." Severus could feel her arms wrap around him, even though she was no longer visible. "Always."

Author's notes: Thanks for anyone stopping by, reading and/or reviewing. Please take a look at my profile for notes about this story.

I would like to thank my betas any mistakes are mine.


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